Adoption...

We have started a new journey!

It has taken me a little while to get my head, and emotions, together to be able to write this. I don't know why, as it is a really positive move we have made and we are excited for the journey, I think it has just all hit me at once.

We have settled into our new home since the last blog. About a month ago, after a big Ikea trip to buy furniture for the house, we went for a meal and Josh suddenly mentioned that he had been thinking for a while about adoption. This shocked me. We haven't really mentioned adoption, and when I first met Josh, he wasn't too bothered about having children, so I didn't even think he would want to take on someone else's. We spoke more about it over a week or so and then contacted the council to inquire about starting the process. We spoke briefly giving a few details to a social worker over the phone and they sent us some dates to attend an information evening. We went along on the evening of 15 May.

The information was quite alot to take in but was really good and the people there were really friendly. There were all sorts of couples there....different ages, different ethnicities, same sex couples... we didn't get to meet any of them but it was nice that it was quite busy as we didn't feel too alone. The evening was roughly 2 hours and involved giving information on the process from start to finish, being introduced to a few people that worked for the adoption teams and also 2 people who had been through the process and shared their stories.

I have worked in schools and education since leaving college and even I was surprised at how in-depth the process is. It is obviously needed as they need to make sure these children go to a good, loving, appropriate home for their needs and also, they build up such a big case for you to take to court so that they have all the information on you in order for you to be approved as adoptive parents.

We took a few days to fill in the application form and posted it off on Monday 20 May and was contacted by email on Wednesday 22 May by the social worker we have been given, a lady called Gemma. She introduced herself and gave us a few dates over the next few weeks that she could come and have an initial visit to meet us at our home. She is coming on 13th June! Nervous but exciting! The meeting will last 2-3 hours and if we want to continue, she will take our documents to do a DBS check. So.....that's as far as we have got.

As much as we were positive and hopeful about the surrogacy journey, we are unable to afford it at this time. We would need another £6000-£7000 before we can even start the process, then we would need to find and build a relationship with a surrogate and then hope that the embryos take, and if they don't, it is another £2000 each try. Obviously, he journey would have been totally worth it, but we just can't afford it and I do not want to rely on donations and fundraising...I hate asking people for money and would want to save the rest ourselves. This leaves us with a problem as people have donated money to us for the surrogacy journey and I don't want to touch it or use it for anything else as that isn't right. What do people do if they have done fundraising but then been unable to carry out what they hoped? Or if they go over and above their target? So please, if you have donated money to us for the surrogacy, please can you message me so I can transfer the money back or let me know what you want us to do. The money will definitely be used for our baby one way or another but I don't want people to be angry as they donated that money for a reason. Trust me, if we could continue with the surrogacy we would....

This last few weeks have been tough for me mentally. Those who know me, know that I am usually upbeat, positive and determined to do and get what I want, however, these last few weeks I haven't been that way. I hate being negative but that's what I have been. I have been very upset and teary and basically feeling sorry for myself. I am just fed up of having to fight for everything in my life and this is the one thing I can't change no matter what I do. Well, I can get pregnant, my reproductive system is in full working order (unlike the rest of my damn body), but I would be selfish and highly stupid to risk my life in order to carry a child. I would be selfish to my family, friends, my doggies and most of all, my donor. My body has just let me down yet again and I guess I have got tired of fighting and have accepted the situation. It isn't fair at all.

However, Josh has been absolutely amazing. I don't often give him enough credit, mainly because most of the time he is so bloody annoying, but he has been nothing but positive. He has had big talks with me especially the last week, and put no doubt in my mind that he is with me no matter what and we are doing this together. He is amazing. I see how he is with me and our nieces and nephew and he will make a fantastic dad and that's why it upsets me more that I can't give him that. We have been very positive on the actual adoption route though. It is an amazing thing for us to be able to do for a child that has had an awful start to life.

I have written far more than I planned to tonight so I will leave it there for now. I'm sure there are feelings and information that I have missed out but I will include that in our next blog in a few weeks once we have had our first visit. Fingers crossed that goes well x

On Hold...

Just a little update on where we are at the moment with our surrogacy journey seeing as yesterday was Mothers Day...

We have managed with the help of many of you amazing people to raise just over £3500 towards our little baby. We need the same amount on top of that and we will be ready to start making some embryos. We have been talking with family and each other and thinking about fundraising but, to be honest, at the moment we are very busy in our work and home life that it would be too much for us to organise. I also do not wan to rely on other people purely to make this happen for us. It is our aim to save up for the rest of the money ourselves. This hopefully wont take us too long as I don't want to be waiting years for this to happen as the actual process takes long enough.

We have just over the past few weeks finalised and moved into our first home together. We have worked and saved for the last 2 years to be able to get to where we are today and we wanted to make sure we were settled with our own space before making any moves on the baby and wedding front. Now we have our home we can make a start on moving ahead.

I have set up a savings account that is purely for our surrogacy so all the money raised so far is in there. I do this for my own piece of mind so that I can prove we are using all the money raised for what we should be. Once we are settled and on track with our home and bills, me and Josh will be saving and adding to this surrogacy savings fund as much as we can. We have obviously still got the fundraising page open just in case but I dont want to keep pushing it in people's faces. If they want to help and donate, they will, if not, we understand!

Not really much to update as we will just be concentrating on saving for the next few months at least, but yesterday I was thinking about it quite abit and getting abit upset and frustrated about the situation so thought I would do a little blog entry.

Hopefully it wont be too long until I update you all again with good news that we have reached our savings goal. Fingers crossed!

Time to Fundraise...

First of all, we would like to thank absolutely everyone for your messages and donations since our last blog post. We were rather upset to get the decision but by the end of the evening, we were so positive and happy with the massive amount of support that was sent to us. It was the worst time of year to get the news just weeks before Xmas but despite this, people still donated. It didn't matter how much was donated we appreciate everything. It all adds up. We would like to mention a few things that stood out and really overwhelmed us...

First of all, the biggest thank you goes to Liz Leese and Joey's family and friends. Joey was one of my closest friends and passed away from Cystic Fibrosis very suddenly nearly 4 years ago. Her mum set up a Trust in her name. Basically her mum Liz decided to close the Trust and when she read our last blog she asked the Trust members, mainly Joeys family and friends, if they would be happy for us to have the money to help us. They were all so supportive and agreed (I would have totally understood if they had wanted it to go to CF or Joeys hospital) so over the last few weeks, we have received the cheques and a letter. The total added up to roughly £2300. Other amounts for around £200 came from my uncle and Josh's cousin. Despite the donations, the supportive messages have been amazing - people at my work have given me lots of cuddles and always asking how we are getting on, messages from people who I haven't seen since primary school, along with people offering to help fundraise money by offering places to hold events and running in events and offering some of their fundraising amounts. Just thank you.

We had our appointment today. We should have gone between Xmas and New Year but I decided to get pneumonia and get whisked into hospital so we changed it for today. Despite knowing we didn't have the funding we went along to see what our next steps and options could be. I had a letter from my lung consultant which contested the funding decision to take with us for them to send to the council to see if that would help. It didn't. The surrogacy hospital basically said the council were we live don't fund surrogacy even though they agree that we need to take that route. We have one final attempt and little ray of hope for funding though....

We have just got a mortgage and a house together in a different borough to where we live now, therefore, when we move in a few months time, we could apply through my new GP to the new borough to see if they have different rules and criteria and see if we can get the funding. I really don't hold out much hope as I feel the criteria will still be the same but it is definitely worth a try of course!

So we need to raise £7000 altogether for the first part of this journey. This will be to remove my eggs, them to make the embryos and to store them for up to a year. We will worry about the second part once this is done. We asked if they did any payment plans or offered any payment options but it has to be the full amount for them to go ahead. The fact we are now paying for the journey without the help of NHS means we are now private patients. This means we don't have to use the current hospital we are under. 

The hospital has been amazing and we have no issues with them, it's just quite far away and we know there are hospitals that are nearer. Obviously it will be worth the journeys for the end result but if we can cut our travel time down significantly then that is a smart move. Today we left home at 1pm for our 3pm appointment. This appointment, along with our other appointments lasted around 15 minutes and then we made our way home and got home about 6pm. I'm used to hospitals and travelling but it is very tiring. We were given the current surrogacy hospital as that is the one my transplant hospital use when they refer patients. We will be contacting another hospital to see if we can be seen under them purely for ease and time. 

In other news, we shouldn't have any problems making the embryos as all of our results came back good and normal. Josh's sperm is normal and no issues and my ovaries are good, one is within easy reach and my egg amount is good. 

So now, we need to start the fundraising. So far we are looking at planning a football tournament or match along with family activities like a fun day, possibly a quiz night (everyone loves a quiz) and anything else that comes along. Just to also add, a friend has a place in the London Landmarks Half Marathon which takes place on 24 March. She is unable to run due to knee problems and has offered to give someone the chance to run and raise money for us. If anyone fancies it, let me know.

Hopefully the next blog will be a positive update that we have hit our target - We are trying to say positive!!

https://www.gofundme.com/the-making-of-baby-thomas

No Funding For Us...

We got our letter today in the post. It's not good news:

We have been declined funding for our surrogacy. We can't appeal and can't complain.

Basically the decision has been made because, apparently, there were no exceptional circumstances (just carrying a baby could potentially kill me or shorten my life dramatically) and we didn't fit the funding criteria. They have sent me the criteria and it is because my medical condition and treatment doesn't affect my eggs or Josh's sperm. For example, if I had cancer or was about to receive cancer treatment and this was to affect my eggs then we would get the funding, likewise, if Josh had cancer and the treatment was going to affect his sperm and kill them, then we would get the funding. We don't qualify for this as both my eggs and Josh's sperm isn't the issue so they don't actually fund surrogacy.

Josh is at work and we have told family who are all supportive but there is nothing anyone can say or do to change the situation. We are both very upset, frustrated and angry. Everyone has been so positive and optimistic that we would get the funding as to us, it was a clear cut case, however, things never turn out as planned. I can't really write much else at the moment as I don't know what to say other than it being followed by many many swear words!

On another, slightly more positive frame of mind: we are going to get started with some fundraising. I have always disliked the idea of some fundraising pages - don't get me wrong, some of them are amazing and help people in times of need - but I'm just stubborn and come from the mindset of 'why should someone just give me money' 'it's not up to them'. Since starting this blog though, many people have asked if we have a donation page as they would like to help, so..... I have set one up and the link is below. We will be arranging some fundraising events which we will let you know about once they have been organised. Any ideas or help is welcome!

https://www.gofundme.com/the-making-of-baby-thomas

Thats the link to the page above. Please feel free to share this blog or the link. Any donations or any help in spreading the word is honestly appreciated so much by me and Josh.

Will update more soon when I'm in a better frame of mind. I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, however, the journey hasn't hardly had a chance to begin yet....

Still waiting...

We had our second appointment on Friday 9 November to meet with the surrogacy team. The week before, we went up to the hospital for my ultrasound for them to look at my womb and ovaries and see where they are and what condition they are in. I didn't realise it was an internal ultrasound! I went behind the curtain, stripped off from the waist down and wrapped myself in a sheet. It was uncomfortable and a very strange feeling when she turned the camera but Josh was there watching the screen very interested and holding my hand. I was told my womb was fine (typical - as I clearly wont be using it!!) but they were unable to see my ovaries. She said this was common as it depends where you are in your cycle and other reasons so I would have to have another one when we came back for our appointment to try again. 

At our appointment the consultant didn't say too much because we can't move on any further in the process until we hear about the funding. We are still waiting for an answer as they are getting more information and putting it to a panel who will meet and discuss the case. We have our next appointment on 28 December so we should definitely have an answer by then. If it a 'yes' then we will be so happy, however, if it is a 'no', then we won't be able to continue on until we save £7000-8000. We are currently about to get our mortgage in principal to buy our house so we will be unable to save this amount. A few close friends have mentioned fundraising which I would like to do if we get turned down. We will just have to sit and wait with everything crossed. I did get my blood test results which were good and told us that I had 16 eggs. He said a bad result would be 5 so he was more than happy with my number.

Josh got his results from his sperm test, but, because it will be over 3 months since he gave them the sample, he will have to do it again before our December appointment in order for it to be the best it can be ready for creating the embryos. The percentage they like to see for sperm is 4% and Josh's result was 2% They said this was ok and that there can be many reasons for it being slightly lower such as stress, diet and when he did the sample. Like I said, he has to do it again anyway so the results don't matter too much now anyway. I know he was annoyed that he has to do it again but we both want the best and freshest result so it needs to be done!

After our appointment, I went over to have my ultrasound again. This time, she managed to find both ovaries. The left side was perfect and showed 5 follicles but the right only showed 2. She said this was perfectly fine. I was more relieved than I realised I would be. My body has let me down during most of my life with many parts of me not working or functioning properly so I just assumed that may be the same. I've even previously spoken to Josh about the 'what if' I don't have good eggs or they can't use mine.... at least the baby will definitely be mine and Josh's. Such a big positive for me at least.

We asked the nurse a few questions about what to expect for the next steps after the ultrasound for me. She has told us that, at our next appointment in December, if we have been given the funding and we get Josh's sperm sample done and ready, then I will be seen by a nurse who will teach me how to do injections. I already do plenty of injections daily because of my CF-related diabetes so I'm sure I won't need that much training! These injections will be for 10-14 days and will help make sure my eggs are in the best conditions ready for them to be fertilised once they are removed. While on these injections I will have to have scans practically every other day and travel up to the hospital each time as they need to keep a close eye on things. So this next step will happen in January IF the funding goes ahead. 

So that's it until we get a letter through the post with our funding decision. We are slightly upset as we built up this second appointment and were very excited but not much has moved on. We are stuck until we get that decision. I'm sure we will hear during November. I'm just happy that my body hasn't let me down in this area so far and that the baby will be both mine and Josh's. 

Funding....

First of all, I want to thank all of you who left a comment or messaged both me and Josh when we shared our blog and information for the first time. We were so overwhelmed with the support and really didn't expect it. It was an amazing response and some people went above and beyond trying to help anyway they could. This process is going to be a long one so at the moment we are taking things appointment by appointment and learning ourselves along the way.

Since the last blog there haven't been anymore updates so that's why we have been quiet. The only update was that we had our next appointment booked in for Monday 29 October but it got moved (for whatever reason) to Friday 9 November. I still have to go up on 29 October as I have my ultrasound but we will update once we have had our next appointment.

We received a letter a few days ago about our funding application. We were surprised as we didn't think we would hear anything until our next appointment but we got sent a copy of the letter that was sent to our surrogacy doctor. Our surrogacy doctor applied on our behalf for us to be considered for NHS funded Fertility Preservation. The initial application has been ACCEPTED and our case will be considered at the next available funding meeting!! 

We are both very happy that we have progressed through the first stage and want everyone to help us keep our fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed that we get accepted at the next meeting. I don't like to think negatively but we are both really worried we won't get the funding. I don't see why we shouldn't - there is no arguments about the situation - I can't carry a baby - end of discussion! Believe me, if there was a way round it, I would. Most of you know how stubborn I am but in this case, I would be being selfish and very stupid to go against medical advice. Even though I've had my transplant, it still isn't a cure. I still have a suppressed immune system, low body weight, diabetes, tiredness and Cystic Fibrosis. 

So if we don't get the funding we will still be following our same plan and route for a baby - it will just set us back a bit more in time and we will do all we can to fundraise and save.

The First Appointment...

On Wednesday 29 August, we had our first appointment at the hospital to start our surrogacy journey. We were both so nervous as we had so many questions and didn't know what to expect. We signed in, I had my height and weight done and then we were shown into a room where we met the main man that deals with the process. He was lovely and straight to the point. He had my referral notes from Harefield that said why we were there and he went through medical information with us both. He straight away told us that he would be happy to help us!

He told us that there are 2 parts that need to be paid for: the first part was the expensive bit paying for the hospital to create the embryos which would be £7000-8000, and the second part would be paying for the embryos to be transferred into the surrogate which is around £2000. He is applying for funding for us for the first process but the second process is not funded so we will have to try and pay for that ourselves. We will find the money no matter what!

He said the process will take as long as we need it to and everything will be done when we are ready. The embryos, once fertilised, can be frozen until we are ready to use them. He also added that we will be given a counsellor who will help us with all the legal side of things as there are things that need to be drawn up and signed throughout the process between us, the hospital and the surrogate. He gave us 3 forms which involved 3 different tests and procedures that we needed to do before the next appointment - 2 of them were done straight away. The first was a blood test for me and from this, they can find out how many eggs I have. I showed them my best vein as I hardly have any due to the years of blood tests, lines, etc... and this was taken with no problems.

The next part was Josh's 'donation'. To produce his semen, the form said you had to not have any sexual activity for 2-7 days (no longer) and make sure everything was clean. It was a Monday-Friday walk-in clinic so I said why don't we go to the department straight away to save him coming back. He was given his pot and taken to a room. Without going into too much detail, he finished and came out and laughed all the way home! It was very clinical and the DVD provided was very out of date but at least thats done with.

The last thing was for me to do was for me to book in an ultrasound of my uterus. This will give a clear picture of where my uterus and eggs are and if the egg retrieval will be straight forward or more invasive. Since coming home, I have called and booked the appointment for middle of October as I am off work for half-term.

We have received our letter through from the hospital this morning with our next appointment which is Monday 29 October. That was perfect as it fell on one of Josh's days off and I will still be off on half-term. Result! At this appointment, we should find out if we have been given the funding, will get the results of mine and Josh's tests and see what the next stages are.

Exciting but nervous and hoping it all goes as smooth as it can. Until the next appointment.....