Halfway through treatment and surrogate information...

 

1 week down, 1 week to go!

My scan and bloods last Wednesday went well. I was on my 2nd day of my bleed so they did my ultrasound and checked the thickness of the womb lining. Apparently it has to be under 5 to start treatment and mine was 3.6 so they gave me medication to be started that night. All medication is administered via injections in the stomach. I'm used to this with my insulin injections, however, there is alot more actual medication to push in and the needle is a lot longer so it feels slightly strange.  I started on Bemfola each evening for 4 days. Then from Sunday I have been on Cetrotide in the mornings and Meriofert in the evenings. 

  

  

I had a scan today and everything seems to be fine and getting along well. I have another scan on friday but they have provisionally set the date of egg retrieval for next Wednesday. Slightly nervous!

We have had a few comments from people that they might be interested in surrogacy and becoming a surrogate. It is lovely for people to say that but also gives us hope which we know may not follow on as a definite offer. We have requested information from the clinic for people if they are genuinely interested in becoming our surrogate, as we need to make sure people are fully aware of the process and what it entails. I have provided an overview below but, of course, if anyone would like any further information, please feel free to ask and I can send it - I won't expect you to go ahead with it just by asking! 

We are doing 'Host Surrogacy' which means it is my egg and Josh's sperm so the baby is ours and nothing genetically linked to the surrogate - she will be the oven and look after the baby but not be related. She will have a medical check including bloods and the usual clinic checks and an ultrasound to check the uterus is normal and will start taking medication for stimulation. The surrogate should also start to take Folic Acid once treatment is planned. 

The surrogate will take tablets for roughly 2 weeks in preparation for the embryo transfer then have an ultrasound. The embryo transfer is similar to a smear test and is not a major procedure at all. Tablet medication continues until they attend for a pregnancy blood test or until pregnancy has been confirmed which is around 2 weeks after transfer.  

It is illegal to pay someone for being a surrogate, however, we will be paying for the medication and all appointments and while pregnant, we will make sure the surrogate is not out of pocket so we will pay for anything needed in relation to pregnancy such as clothes and travel to and from clinic. 

Will update further nearer the time of egg retrieval - not long now!

   

Health Checks...

The day Josh was dreading has been and gone and he survived! 

     

Our clinic appointment was on Friday. This visit was for our health checks to be done. We both had to have blood tests and I had to have an ultrasound scan to see my ovaries. Josh is terrified of needles and has never had a blood test before so he was very nervous all morning. To make it easier, I brought him some numbing cream and put that on an hour before our appointment. He did really well and I was so surprised at how he handled it. Once the needle was in, he was chatting away. They took lots of blood for various tests such as HIV, Hepatitis and Gonorrhoea. They also did an extra test because I have Cystic Fibrosis (which is genetic) to see if Josh carries the CF gene. We should get the results back in about 5 weeks.

Next was my ultrasound scan. They insert a scanning device inside to look at each ovary and also see if it is easily reachable ready for egg collection. It was slightly uncomfortable but took about 5 minutes. They were happy with everything and said the egg collection could go ahead as planned and shouldn’t be any issues. Josh had to take his trousers down so they could check out his male bits and that was it - easy for men isn’t it! 

The next stage is for me to start the hormone treatment. They work it in with your menstrual cycle and start the treatment between the 1st and 3rd day of your bleeding. That happens to be tomorrow - Wednesday 23rd! So I am back up the clinic for an appointment. I think I need more bloods done for hormone levels, another ultrasound and then will be told what medications I’m starting. I’m usually ok when I’m on my period but I’m nervous to start these medications as I’m only used to my cocktail of “normal” meds. For the next 2 weeks, I’m either going to be a crying mess or want to kill everyone in rage. Hopefully everything will be fine.

I also wanted to thank everyone for our lovely messages and comments following our last blog. We read them all and they all mean so much. I especially want to thank a couple of the girls that privately messaged me who have been through similar experiences and it really helped reassure me as I am slightly worried about the egg retrieval under local. 

I will do a small update at the end of the week after my visit to the clinic tomorrow to let you know the plan for the next 2 weeks. 

       

We Are Back...

 

Surprise!

We are back after 2 years since our last post, and what a 2 years it has been!

Our wedding and baby making plans were put further on hold due to Covid in March 2020 BUT we finally got married a year after we originally planned on 13th October 2021 marking our 6 year anniversary. 

  

We got Christmas out the way then re-applied for funding for IVF as we live in a different borough to when we last applied. This was again turned down so we have managed to save up for most of the amount needed for the IVF part of the process. Of course, we still have the money donated previously so that is being used so thank you so much again to everyone that helped. 

We contacted a few clinics near us in December - some didn't get back to us and some only did IVF and not the surrogacy part of the process so we did find it quite limiting on options. However, we were contacted back by Herts and Essex Fertility Clinic and they were so helpful and lovely from the first phone call so we have signed up with them. They are an hour away (depending on traffic at the QE2 bridge/tunnels) but it is easy to get to, easy to park at and there is a cafe round the corner if we get there early :)

We had our first appointment towards the end of January - it should have been originally in the middle of Jan, however, I decided to have pneumonia and be hospitalised on New Years Day so we put it back until we were in a better situation. We arrived early so took advantage of the cafe and then were seen straight through to a room and answered lots of questions and had our questions answered. I gave them the long list of my medications and we had our first 'tests'. This test was to check my hormone levels and Josh's sperm and we would have the results given to us in a few weeks time over an online appointment with the doctor. I'm pleased to say both tests were normal - woohoo - I am normal in one area of my body and life at least! Josh also picked up a little souvenir from the clinic.... his sperm stress ball 😆

Our next appointment was in the first week of February to get the results of our first tests that I have just mentioned and to meet the doctor and for him to talk through the process and answer any further questions. He was really nice and explained everything really clearly. Due to my health issues with my breathing and lungs, I will not be able to have my egg retrieval done under a sedation so will have to have just a local. This is because they are not attached to a hospital so didn't want to risk messing with my breathing incase anything went wrong. Bit worried about that, however, he assured me it will be fine and others have it done that way. They will manage the pain still and be there to support me. It is a 10-15 minute procedure so I will have to grit my teeth and get on with it. 

We both have access to an online portal linked with the clinic. This is where they can send us forms to sign and get us to watch and read the different areas of the process so we understand what can or does happen. It is really helpful to have and we had a further online appointment with a nurse at the end of February, she went through the forms and made sure we were happy to sign. She then booked in our next appointment and gave us some provisional dates for our treatment plan. 

Our next appointment is in middle of March. This is for our health checks including blood tests and an ultrasound for me, to check the follicles and basically have an initial look around in there! Following this appointment, she worked out my menstrual cycle dates and they are looking at starting my medication regime a week after this appointment. The medication regime is roughly 2 weeks long and is given to make me produce as many eggs as possible ready to be used. I will then be brought in for the egg retrieval and Josh will provide his sperm sample and they make the embryos straight away. This is all scheduled for the first week in April.     

So we have a plan in place for now and a rough schedule which is exciting but nerve racking too. Just hope it goes as well as it possibly can. We need to start 'looking' for a lovely lady to carry our little baby now we have started the process. This is the part that worries me as I worry we won't find anyone and no one will come forward. I will talk more about that later but for now, we are happy and have a busy month ahead. Will update you all again after our appointment in a few weeks time! 

Taking a break....

We have come to a decision that we are going to stop the adoption process for now and wait until after our wedding. We have a year now until we get married so after this, we can then look into starting again with starting a family. It has not been an easy decision and we have both been very angry, upset and hurt which is why it has taken me a while to be able to sit and update this blog. I will tell you all the reasons behind it as we go on as best I can.

We had the visit from the social workers and they read us the feedback that was given to them about us from the 4 preparation days we went on in August. There was mainly 1 lady from our council so it was her feedback that it was taken from. Before the preparation days, we had NEVER met the woman and over the course of the 4 days, we NEVER spoke to her, except to give her our documents so she could start our DBS checks, so she did not know our situation or why we were there. I understand giving feedback on someone is difficult if they aren't known to you, therefore, I believe it is right for her to give general statements on how she saw we got on in the tasks and with interacting and getting involved with everyone else, but NOT personal recommendations or statements. So, with this in mind, I will tell you the feedback we received....

'It was a large group. When the group worked altogether, Sophie and Josh were quite quiet but did have input, and when they broke off into smaller groups, we could see they were involved more. During some of the talks/presentations, they looked bored and uninterested. On day 2, Sophie seemed quiet and got upset. I was made aware it was her transplant anniversary. Josh swore a couple of times during the sessions and Sophie injected herself during the break'.

What are your thoughts on this? Our thoughts? Initially we were quite shocked at the comments so didn't really put our point across to the social workers, but having had time to think about things, and from talking to close friends and family, we are very upset and angry at how we have been made to feel by 1 persons views. I'm not going to rant or go into full detail on here, but, we both feel that some of those comments made were not relevant at all. Everyone at the preparation days found parts of it hard and sitting in a classroom from 9-4 each day was difficult so we weren't the only ones. Josh is also dyslexic and didn't do well in school so he doesn't feel comfortable and cope well in these situations. Day 2 was my 8 year anniversary of my double lung transplant. It is a big deal for us, it would be for anybody, but we don't make a big deal. We always mark the day by doing something to celebrate my life and also as a mark of respect for my donor and their family. Surely, by us being there on that day shows how committed we are to the adoption? Also, everyone has certain days that they find difficult, whether it is losing a family member or marking a certain occasion, if my anniversary fell on a day that we didn't have the training, it wouldn't have been an issue. As for the point of injecting myself, yes I did, I have diabetes!!!! I should have my long acting insulin at the same time everyday - 10.30am - and our break wasn't until 11am. I waited until most people had left the room to get tea and coffee and injected my side quickly and put it away. I wasn't near anyone and was looking after myself and doing my treatments - what do they want me to do??

After briefly discussing and listening to this from the social workers, we were told we could go onto Stage 2 after Christmas, if we looked into getting some counselling. This also got my back up. We don't need counselling. I have been offered many types of counselling since I was about 13 years old but I have never taken it. I have my family and close friends that I can talk to and rely on. When you complete your workbooks for this adoption process, you complete a diagram and questions on who you have supporting you, so the fact I have never needed counselling surely shows that I have very strong support networks so I feel like they are contradicting themselves. Once the social workers left, we had a chat and came to the decision to stop.

We are both not happy with the way we have been treated and made to feel. We have been made to feel like we aren't good people, never mind, good parents. It has upset us because we aren't bad people and if we weren't ready or fit enough, we wouldn't have started the process. I work in education and have done since my part-time job when I was 14 so it's even more upsetting, and embarrassing, for me to feel like they are criticising us so much. They are crying out for adopters and foster carers and now I'm not surprised there aren't enough if this is how they are treated. Other people we have spoken to also aren't happy with the council so at least we aren't alone. The council we have gone with is also under the banner of 'requires improvement' so, before criticising us, maybe they should sort themselves out first (sorry, low blow but I couldn't help it).

I want to end on a positive note as we always try and pull ourselves up from bad situations and experiences. We have lots to look forward over the next year.... in a month's time we will find out if I have passed my Masters and get to graduate, Josh's sister will be having her baby boy in December and we can not wait to be an auntie and uncle, christmas is obviously a fab time, I start a new job in December, and we, of course, have our wedding to plan and get ready for in October. After this, we will contact other councils or adoption agencies, and look into starting the process with them. We didn't look around before and went to our nearest council as most people seem to do, but, you don't look at 1 kitchen when you're shopping around do you? So why would you go with the first adoption agency. All of them are different and some clearly better than others.

So.....for now, we won't be updating this blog as we won't have any news. As soon as we start the process again next year, we will update. Hopefully, it goes smoothly and better than this time. Thank you again for everyone's support and messages. They have really helped us both and it has been lovely to hear from people that haven't spoken to me in years and didn't even know followed our journey.

Speak to you all soon x

Update on Stage 1 so far...

We are NEARLY there! It has taken abit longer than expected just because of the amount of checks and references that need to be done by people close to us, professionals and the authority.

The adoption workers have everything they need now except 3 things: Josh is still waiting for his DBS to come back, my transplant hospital still haven't completed their reference and the medical advisor has to review our GP medicals to make sure they are happy with them. I am going to have to chase my hospital tomorrow - I know they are busy but they have had it since July and we can't move on until we have it! I am not worried about the reference as it was my transplant hospital who put us forward for the surrogacy - they will just be happy that we are doing every other option rather than me carrying a child. 

We have also been told that we need a final visit from our social worker before we move to Stage 2. This has worried me slightly, and her visit is booked for 8th October, so we have 2 weeks to worry about what it is about. She has said it is nothing to worry about and not to be nervous and they just want to clarify a few things so hopefully it isn't anything too major. 

Since the last blog update, we had our 4 days of preparation training. These were long, hard days of full of lots of information and advice which was interesting, but also alot to take in. We were very nervous to attend but the other group members were lovely and we got on with everyone and it was nice to be able to chat and hear about their situations and general thoughts. A whole range of people were there: couples who have been through IVF, loss of babies, same sex couples, single adopters and couples like us who were there for medical reasons. We now have a 'whatsapp' group which is actually really lovely to have and a bigger source of support than I expected. I love hearing from them all and hearing their updates - we are all, except one couple, still waiting to hear about moving to Stage 2, so we are all in the same boat! Meeting these people was definitely one of the best things to come out of the training and I hope we continue to support each other. 

I am feeling slightly fed up and impatient lately. Not just with the adoption stuff but in general. I suppose you are going to get periods of these feelings. I just didn't realise how difficult and mentally hard this Stage 1 part was. I have been chasing and reading and communicating with different people and departments since we were accepted onto Stage 1 at the end of June - I'm knackered! Of course it will all be worth it but doesn't mean it isn't hard work. 

I would also just like to end on asking a little favour: I am more than happy to talk about anything - whether its about my health journey, adoption journey or anything to do with my life - but when you do ask about the adoption journey, please don't keep saying "people that can get pregnant naturally don't have to go through all this", or "why do you have to do all that, it's alot of work". Trust me I know and I agree, but it has to be done and that's what is needed in order for us to get a child. I can't change that.  Both me and Josh do love the amount of people that are behind us and ask about how we are getting on, those little comments do really help - we need all the help and support we can get. 

Stage 1...

All our forms we were given during the first meeting (see previous blog) were sent off and on 20th June, we were officially accepted onto Stage 1 of the adoption process. As I write this blog, we are about halfway through. 

At the start of July, all the people we chose and asked to be our referees received their letters. They had to answer a handful of questions about us, basically an in-depth character reference and send it back by the end of July. We each had our employer reference, a family member reference and two friends references. As far as I know, these have all been sent back and completed. Because of my health situation, I also had to get a reference from both hospitals I am under.

We also completed a financial assessment which we will be taking next week when we attend our first training day. We have been signed up to adoption training/preparation days. There are 4 in total over the next 3 weeks and these give more information and preparation for adoption and any situations you might have to handle. We have to attend all 4 to be able to move to the next stage. It was quite handy that they fell during the summer holidays as I am off work and Josh booked a few weeks off so he could spend some time with me. We are both quite nervous but have heard that everyone is very friendly and all couples work together and support each other and you end up making friends for the journey. During these training days, we will be having a DBS check to make sure we have no convictions especially when it comes to children! 

We have also nearly completed a workbook that we have each been emailed. It is about 50 pages and goes through all aspects of our past including childhood, past relationships, family, feelings and our adoption information. It is very repetitive and some of the questions aren't relevant to us (for example, there are 2 pages on if we live with other adults and their thoughts and attitudes to adoption) but we understand that they are trying to build up a picture of us, our family and situation so they have as much information as possible when it goes to court. These workbooks need to be completed during Stage 1 but will be used, if we progress to Stage 2, by the social worker to reference and work from.

The last thing on the list for Stage 1 is getting a medical assessment done from our GP. After waiting a month and constantly contacting them to try and get someone who knows what the procedure is to help, we have finally been booked in for 23rd August. We have to pay £75 each for a 15 minute appointment. 

Then that is Stage 1 complete! From the initial letter about Stage 1, it looks like, as long as everything is completed and they are happy with the outcome and answers, we can move onto Stage 2 around the beginning of September. I am still nervous for this Stage 1 outcome purely because of my medical information. I don't want that to affect anything. If I didn't think I was capable or well enough, we wouldn't have started the journey in the first place. Please keep everything crossed for us and we will update once we have finished Stage 1 in about 3 weeks!

Our First Meeting...

Our first meeting with our social worker happened on Thursday 20 June 2019. We were both nervous as we didn't know what to expect or what would be discussed.  Gemma was lovely and really easy to talk to, laid back and not too formal. 

The meeting lasted 3 hours which went really quickly. During the meeting, we found out lots of information about the process but the main focus was about why we were going for adoption, if we were ready for the journey and the background of our family life, childhood and current situation. 

There are 2 stages to becoming an adoptive parent. We are at stage 1. Gemma said there was no reason at the moment why she didn't believe we could move on to stage 2. She will be dealing with us through stage 1 which is basically the form filling and checking stage. Stage 2 is when we get given our social worker who will conduct the home visits and build up our case to take to court. 

These are the forms we were left with for our first stage. We have forms that include: form to register our interest in continuing with the process, medical information, financial information and previous address information. We also have to choose people to give us personal, character references and they will have to give written recommendation and have a visit from the social worker. We have spent the weekend completing these forms and will post them off tomorrow. 

I can't speak fully for Josh but from what we have spoken about since the meeting, we are both very excited and feeling more positive about the process. I was worried about the medical checks but both my hospitals were happy for me to start the surrogacy process so I have no worries that they will support the adoption process. Since attending the information evening for adoption a few months ago, I have had hospital appointments at both Harefield and Lewisham and had great reports so that will also help!

Once they receive our completed forms, they will contact us and let us know the next steps and next round of checks. We will update you all then!